Wednesday, January 28, 2009
new blog
so i've decided to move. if you want to keep up with the fam and me, we'll be at the new o algo asi. hope to see you there. :)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
irrational fears
So Jake traveled to El Salvador last week to visit all our friends. He found a great deal on Orbitz and we decided that if we can't go as a family, at least we could send him. I was a little jealous, but mostly happy that someone from our family could go and see how the community and everyone is. At the same time I began to have foreboding thoughts about the danger involved in the trip - international travel, gangs in the community. After all, El Salvador is a dangerous place. I know - I lived there. Leading up to the trip, I began getting nervous and putting all this weird pressure on Jake to make his "last few days at home" meaningful because they might be his last. I didn't ever say this outright. Until one night we were having a particularly emotionally charged discussion, because, I didn't' feel connected to him. And it didn't seem like he was interested in connecting before he left. Through that conversation I realized that I was secretly afraid that he'd never come back. I feared he'd die there and leave me forever. I know it's irrational. But he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was surprised, I hadn't felt this way in a long time. These irrational fears aren't new.
Since Jake and I have been married, and maybe a little when we were dating, from time to time (mostly when he's away for an extended period), I've had these irrational morbid visions about him dieing in some tragic way. It used to happen A LOT. I was surprised to experience the fear after almost eight years of marriage.
When we'd been married about a year, Jake went with his brother to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. He had a cell phone, but reception was sketchy. The last we'd talked they were going to drive through the park and see some of the animals. For whatever reason bears were on my mind. And so when I didn't hear from him that day, I started to worry. I imagined that in their drive through the park a bear attacked and killed Jake and his brother, and Jake had bled to death on the side of the road. And let me tell you I imagine every gory detail. I tried to call him several times with no success at getting through. I remember very clearly going to church that morning completely expecting to have a call from the police on my answering machine when I returned informing me of my husbands death. I lamented the fact that we hadn't had any children because I then had nothing lasting to keep his memory alive. I began to figure out what my future would be like, and resolved never to marry again. I imagined what I would say at his funeral. Of course, he ended up being just fine. The trip was enjoyable and surprisingly not one bear attacked them the entire trip. He couldn't get through to me because when you're out in the middle of nowhere at a National Park there are no cell phone towers and he lost reception. That's one example.
Another time when we were in El Salvador Jake had gone to the market which usually took about an hour round trip. When he hadn't returned after the hour I began to get nervous. After two hours, I knew he was dead. This time I'd imagined that he died when he was hit buy a car crossing the highway to get from our side of town to where the market is. I imagined him and all our vegetables scattered across the road. I knew that any minute someone would come running to tell me the horrible news. I began to plan how I would get his body back to the states, because I wouldn't want to leave it in El Salvador. Again I planned what I would say at his funeral. I began to imagine what my life would be like as a single mother. And to question whether or not to finish out our term in El Salvador. When he walked into the gate, it was two and a half hours after he'd left. He'd stopped to visit a couple of people on the way home, and of course we didn't have a phone to let me know. I ran to him crying and threw my arms around him. He didn't know what to say.
So one of the conditions of this trip to El Salvador was that he had to find a way to call me every night so I could be sure he was okay. And he did. Interestingly it was on his travel days that I had the most anxiety. I kept having visions of a plane crash into water and him drowning. I didn't plan his funeral though, so I guess I'm moving in the right direction. :) He left a note on the bathroom mirror before he left on Friday morning, and I purposely left it up all week until he returned, because if he died, I wanted something tangible to treasure - the last note he wrote. I even cleaned the bathroom on Friday, but because he wasn't home yet (he was on the way) I didn't erase it.
Thankfully, Jake didn't die. He made it home just fine with all kinds of fun Salvadoran food (but that's another post).
Since Jake and I have been married, and maybe a little when we were dating, from time to time (mostly when he's away for an extended period), I've had these irrational morbid visions about him dieing in some tragic way. It used to happen A LOT. I was surprised to experience the fear after almost eight years of marriage.
When we'd been married about a year, Jake went with his brother to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. He had a cell phone, but reception was sketchy. The last we'd talked they were going to drive through the park and see some of the animals. For whatever reason bears were on my mind. And so when I didn't hear from him that day, I started to worry. I imagined that in their drive through the park a bear attacked and killed Jake and his brother, and Jake had bled to death on the side of the road. And let me tell you I imagine every gory detail. I tried to call him several times with no success at getting through. I remember very clearly going to church that morning completely expecting to have a call from the police on my answering machine when I returned informing me of my husbands death. I lamented the fact that we hadn't had any children because I then had nothing lasting to keep his memory alive. I began to figure out what my future would be like, and resolved never to marry again. I imagined what I would say at his funeral. Of course, he ended up being just fine. The trip was enjoyable and surprisingly not one bear attacked them the entire trip. He couldn't get through to me because when you're out in the middle of nowhere at a National Park there are no cell phone towers and he lost reception. That's one example.
Another time when we were in El Salvador Jake had gone to the market which usually took about an hour round trip. When he hadn't returned after the hour I began to get nervous. After two hours, I knew he was dead. This time I'd imagined that he died when he was hit buy a car crossing the highway to get from our side of town to where the market is. I imagined him and all our vegetables scattered across the road. I knew that any minute someone would come running to tell me the horrible news. I began to plan how I would get his body back to the states, because I wouldn't want to leave it in El Salvador. Again I planned what I would say at his funeral. I began to imagine what my life would be like as a single mother. And to question whether or not to finish out our term in El Salvador. When he walked into the gate, it was two and a half hours after he'd left. He'd stopped to visit a couple of people on the way home, and of course we didn't have a phone to let me know. I ran to him crying and threw my arms around him. He didn't know what to say.
So one of the conditions of this trip to El Salvador was that he had to find a way to call me every night so I could be sure he was okay. And he did. Interestingly it was on his travel days that I had the most anxiety. I kept having visions of a plane crash into water and him drowning. I didn't plan his funeral though, so I guess I'm moving in the right direction. :) He left a note on the bathroom mirror before he left on Friday morning, and I purposely left it up all week until he returned, because if he died, I wanted something tangible to treasure - the last note he wrote. I even cleaned the bathroom on Friday, but because he wasn't home yet (he was on the way) I didn't erase it.
Thankfully, Jake didn't die. He made it home just fine with all kinds of fun Salvadoran food (but that's another post).
Sunday, January 18, 2009
new rule: phones will be turned off for Sunday naps
I don't know about you but around here we really relish our Sunday afternoons. It is probably the only time during the week where everything in our house shuts down and we enjoy about two (more or less) glorious hours of uninterrupted sleeping in the middle of the day!
Well this afternoon as I lay peacefully in bed with Joaquin enjoying this time (I was about a half-hour in) the phone rings. I woke up with a start, but realized it was just the phone and ignored it. Well, the person (who shall remain nameless) decided to call on Jake's cell, which is a logical thing to do (we all do that - can't reach them at home, try the cell). So a minute later Jake's cell phone rings. Still fighting for my two hours in dreamland I ignore the call and try to get back to sleep quickly. The less I move, the less I awaken. But then the house phone rings AGAIN! After another four rings, the machine picks up, no message is left, and I say to myself "Now I'll be able to sleep," and snuggle in for a good snooze. After laying still for about twenty minutes, I realize the attempt to sleep is futile, and that all the silly ringing has woken me up enough that sleep will be impossible for me this afternoon.
Sigh.... Maybe next week.
From now on all ringers will be shut off between 2 and 4 on Sundays.
Well this afternoon as I lay peacefully in bed with Joaquin enjoying this time (I was about a half-hour in) the phone rings. I woke up with a start, but realized it was just the phone and ignored it. Well, the person (who shall remain nameless) decided to call on Jake's cell, which is a logical thing to do (we all do that - can't reach them at home, try the cell). So a minute later Jake's cell phone rings. Still fighting for my two hours in dreamland I ignore the call and try to get back to sleep quickly. The less I move, the less I awaken. But then the house phone rings AGAIN! After another four rings, the machine picks up, no message is left, and I say to myself "Now I'll be able to sleep," and snuggle in for a good snooze. After laying still for about twenty minutes, I realize the attempt to sleep is futile, and that all the silly ringing has woken me up enough that sleep will be impossible for me this afternoon.
Sigh.... Maybe next week.
From now on all ringers will be shut off between 2 and 4 on Sundays.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
things that need to be done
• Clean the house again (it hasn’t been cleaned since we moved in)
• Super-scrub the kitchen floor (it looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since the house was built)
• Fix the toilet so it doesn’t run constantly
• Make curtains – first for the living room, then each of the other rooms in the house
• Clean the fish tank – it’s so gross, I’m surprised Jacque's not dead
• Sew new cloth wipes (ours are falling apart)
• Buy and area rug for the living room (why can’t the IKEA strib rug suddenly appear on craigslist?!)
• Get rid of the last tenant’s stuff (apparently they left in a bit of a hurry. So much so that they left about a truckload of stuff in the garage – boxes of clothes, Christmas decorations and a grill on it’s last leg. We got rid of most of it, but I can’t wait for bulky trash day so we can be done with it.)
• Move the fridge out to the garage and get ours back from my sister and brother-in-law (the one that came w/ the house is old and small and makes lots of noise)
• Replace the screen in the back door so we can actually leave the door open and bugs not get in
• Hang about eight sets of blinds
• Super-scrub the kitchen floor (it looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since the house was built)
• Fix the toilet so it doesn’t run constantly
• Make curtains – first for the living room, then each of the other rooms in the house
• Clean the fish tank – it’s so gross, I’m surprised Jacque's not dead
• Sew new cloth wipes (ours are falling apart)
• Buy and area rug for the living room (why can’t the IKEA strib rug suddenly appear on craigslist?!)
• Get rid of the last tenant’s stuff (apparently they left in a bit of a hurry. So much so that they left about a truckload of stuff in the garage – boxes of clothes, Christmas decorations and a grill on it’s last leg. We got rid of most of it, but I can’t wait for bulky trash day so we can be done with it.)
• Move the fridge out to the garage and get ours back from my sister and brother-in-law (the one that came w/ the house is old and small and makes lots of noise)
• Replace the screen in the back door so we can actually leave the door open and bugs not get in
• Hang about eight sets of blinds
i'm happy because
• All the essentials are finally unpacked
• We have blinds in the dining room
• We now have a dvd player that works
• The tub no longer fills up with water when I shower
• There’s now hot water in the garage for the washing machine – I can finally go back to cloth diapers!
• We got Netflix – which is a zillion times better than blockbuster online
• I have a few pictures up on my walls
• The toilet flushes
• The backyard is now clean and the kids LOVE playing there
• We have a phone that works – with internet!
• My kids love their new room
• Our mail is being forwarded and delivered to our house.
• We have blinds in the dining room
• We now have a dvd player that works
• The tub no longer fills up with water when I shower
• There’s now hot water in the garage for the washing machine – I can finally go back to cloth diapers!
• We got Netflix – which is a zillion times better than blockbuster online
• I have a few pictures up on my walls
• The toilet flushes
• The backyard is now clean and the kids LOVE playing there
• We have a phone that works – with internet!
• My kids love their new room
• Our mail is being forwarded and delivered to our house.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
internet withdrawl and back in the swing
The holiday season was a busy one for us this year. We spent the weeks before and after Christmas packing and unpacking. There was a constant tension between the desire to relax and enjoy each other and the holidays and wanting to get everything settled at our "new" home. I was definitely feeling stressed - wanting normalcy and to do things like bake cookies, watch Christmas movies, and all that fun holiday stuff. But this year we learned the hard way - this is the WORST time of year to move.
Now that we've gotten more settled, taken care of the big issues, and started hanging pictures on the walls, I'm starting to feel more at home. This week actually felt like we were living life, rather than completing tasks. Sigh. It's been a long month for sure.
It took about two weeks to get phone and internet service here at the new place (among other problems we had). And so for that time I really got used to functioning without it. Before we moved, I'd check my email, facebook and blogs a few times a day - really the computer would just stay on all day and I'd check my stuff when I had a spare minute. But even now that we have internet (I guess we've had it for a week or so now), I still don't even think about turning on the computer until I get the kids to bed in the evening. It's really kind of nice. I feel like I'm more engaged in my days (well there is still a "to-do" list, so maybe my spare moments are just otherwise occupied). But I guess I felt like I was a little addicted to it before. And so I've been enjoying the new flow of days.
We'll see how it goes.
Now that we've gotten more settled, taken care of the big issues, and started hanging pictures on the walls, I'm starting to feel more at home. This week actually felt like we were living life, rather than completing tasks. Sigh. It's been a long month for sure.
It took about two weeks to get phone and internet service here at the new place (among other problems we had). And so for that time I really got used to functioning without it. Before we moved, I'd check my email, facebook and blogs a few times a day - really the computer would just stay on all day and I'd check my stuff when I had a spare minute. But even now that we have internet (I guess we've had it for a week or so now), I still don't even think about turning on the computer until I get the kids to bed in the evening. It's really kind of nice. I feel like I'm more engaged in my days (well there is still a "to-do" list, so maybe my spare moments are just otherwise occupied). But I guess I felt like I was a little addicted to it before. And so I've been enjoying the new flow of days.
We'll see how it goes.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
what we've been up to
It's been a quiet month here at the blog.
Not necessarily here at home.
Jake continues to travel quite a bit for work and we're getting used to it. I've discovered I really don't mind the travel as long as the trips are spaced out. We learning to communicate better about trips and schedules. But we both still say this job is a blessing. I love having a husband come home happy. I love that he enjoys his job. I love the flexibility. And I love that we actually have weekends now (when he was teaching, we were lucky if we got a few hours on Saturday).
Along with that, Jake got a raise which allowed me to quit my part-time job. I started my job back in March knowing that he was looking to get out of teaching and we knew that any work in the non-profit sector would be a big pay-cut. We were thankful that he found a job at MCC, an organization that we love. And I was very lucky to find part-time work with the Martinez Street Women's Center, an amazing non-profit contributing to the community, being a part of something bigger than myself. I have loved working at the women's center for so many reasons, but given the choice I'd much rather be with my kids full-time. When he got the raise in November, I quit my job. It has been so fun to be at home without one thing on the agenda. There have even been a few days where we didn't leave the house at all. I've been loving it.
We're moving! This weekend we will move to a little house on the southeast side of town. It's a cute, green, three-bedroom house with central air and heat (I haven't had that since before I got married)! It has a cute yard with real grass on a block in a real neighborhood, the kind where Joaquin can play outside or ride his bike out front. So we've been packing for the last week. We have boxes piled up in every room. I keep asking myself how did we get so much stuff?!!! We've sold a few things on craigslist and dropped many loads at the Goodwill donation station. But moving will be quite a job. Ai! sigh....
We're having a baby girl in April! We had the ultrasound today. It was a bit of a shock to both Jake and me. If you would have asked either of us before the ultrasound, we would have said we didn't have preference - boy or girl. But we both felt a little surprised, a little shocked. Were we hoping for a boy? I don't think so. I think the reality of having third child is just starting to sink in. This pregnancy is just now starting to feel real (and I'm like 21-22 weeks - halfway)! I started noticing regular movement the week before Thanksgiving. And now every evening when I lay down in bed, she starts her soccer practice. I'm going to have another baby in April! I'm going to have a baby GIRL in April. Oh my!
Pics coming soon (our camera cord is packed in a box right now) - once we get unpacked.
So that's whats going in on Castroland. More to come soon.
Not necessarily here at home.
Jake continues to travel quite a bit for work and we're getting used to it. I've discovered I really don't mind the travel as long as the trips are spaced out. We learning to communicate better about trips and schedules. But we both still say this job is a blessing. I love having a husband come home happy. I love that he enjoys his job. I love the flexibility. And I love that we actually have weekends now (when he was teaching, we were lucky if we got a few hours on Saturday).
Along with that, Jake got a raise which allowed me to quit my part-time job. I started my job back in March knowing that he was looking to get out of teaching and we knew that any work in the non-profit sector would be a big pay-cut. We were thankful that he found a job at MCC, an organization that we love. And I was very lucky to find part-time work with the Martinez Street Women's Center, an amazing non-profit contributing to the community, being a part of something bigger than myself. I have loved working at the women's center for so many reasons, but given the choice I'd much rather be with my kids full-time. When he got the raise in November, I quit my job. It has been so fun to be at home without one thing on the agenda. There have even been a few days where we didn't leave the house at all. I've been loving it.
We're moving! This weekend we will move to a little house on the southeast side of town. It's a cute, green, three-bedroom house with central air and heat (I haven't had that since before I got married)! It has a cute yard with real grass on a block in a real neighborhood, the kind where Joaquin can play outside or ride his bike out front. So we've been packing for the last week. We have boxes piled up in every room. I keep asking myself how did we get so much stuff?!!! We've sold a few things on craigslist and dropped many loads at the Goodwill donation station. But moving will be quite a job. Ai! sigh....
We're having a baby girl in April! We had the ultrasound today. It was a bit of a shock to both Jake and me. If you would have asked either of us before the ultrasound, we would have said we didn't have preference - boy or girl. But we both felt a little surprised, a little shocked. Were we hoping for a boy? I don't think so. I think the reality of having third child is just starting to sink in. This pregnancy is just now starting to feel real (and I'm like 21-22 weeks - halfway)! I started noticing regular movement the week before Thanksgiving. And now every evening when I lay down in bed, she starts her soccer practice. I'm going to have another baby in April! I'm going to have a baby GIRL in April. Oh my!
Pics coming soon (our camera cord is packed in a box right now) - once we get unpacked.
So that's whats going in on Castroland. More to come soon.
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